An essential part of growth is choosing to put ourselves into situations that involve uncertainty – to do things that might not work:
Applying for a new job
Asking someone out
Learning a new piece of software
Publishing a new blog post
Sending in your college application
Asking for a raise
When the outcome is unknown, there are a few things we can be certain of:
1. It might work
2. It might not work
3. Doing it is going to feel weird, especially if we really care
Although it feels weird, there are benefits to doing things that might not work:
First: When we shoot more of these shots, we’re creating more opportunities for one of them to actually work. It’s a numbers game.
Second: Feeling weird but shooting our shot anyway is a skill. Each time we do it we’re building up the muscle that will help us do it again. It doesn’t mean the weird feeling will go away, but we can get better at not letting the weird feeling rob us of action.
In short: doing things that might not work is a good idea.
So how do we encourage ourselves and others to get more shots up?
Well, we can outline the benefits like we did above. When we understand the value of something we’re more likely to do it. Do I actually love kale? Nah. Do I put it in everything now? Yup. However this approach can, and usually does, fall short…
Did I know it was important to go to office hours in college? Yup. Did I ever go? No 😐
So let’s do better.
An even more effective approach is to zoom out a bit, look at the big picture and ask a tough question: What is the real reason that we avoid shooting these shots?
Most of the time it’s that we don’t want to feel all the tough emotions that come along with caring and uncertainty. We don’t like feeling weird.
How do we fix that?
Usually our well-meaning approach is to tell ourselves or others to:
Calm down
Don’t worry
Be fearless
These are strategies to get rid of the weird feelings, but they usually backfire and actually give our tough emotions more power.
If I’m in the midst of a challenge that involves uncertainty and I feel weird and nervous— I may assume my nerves are a sign that I don’t belong, that I’m doing something wrong, that I’m not ready. “Why am I feeling this, I’m not supposed to feel like this, how do I get rid of it?”
This can suck up all my energy and attention, hurting my performance. Or it could lead to me bailing on the challenge altogether, which hurts my development.
Study after study shows that rather than attempting to suppress and deny our emotions, it’s better to acknowledge and accept them.
When we give ourselves and others the permission to feel (shoutout Marc Brackett for the most brilliantly titled book ever) we begin to take the power away from our emotions.
Flipping this switch can be powerful. Simply understanding that it’s ok to be nervous, ok to feel weird, can have a huge impact on our actions.
Now I’m presented with an opportunity that makes me feel weird. I realize that it’s human to feel weird. I do the thing. Shot = up.
And in the midst of a challenge. I feel weird. I remember that it’s ok to feel like this. I turn my attention to the task – not on trying to fight my emotions.
Win. Win.
Summary:
1. Shooting shots helps us grow and helps us get better at shooting shots
2. Sometimes we don’t shoot our shot because it feels weird
3. When we give ourselves permission to feel, we take the power away from our emotions and we can get more shots up
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